Deep, Deep Waters

My heart is heavy and I am feeling broken.

Do you ever have those moments when you are fighting for joy?

When you truly feel as though you could drown in your own tears?

When life as you know it, changes in an instant, without warning?

When things happen that are so far beyond your realm of understanding?

When you're convinced the best option would be to run far away to the mountains in Montana, and never return? :)

When the waves keep pounding over you, until you just....can't....breathe?

When you are certain that you cannot bear one more burden?

When everything in you wants to despair....

but you don't

because you cling to the hope that can only be found through Christ

and you trust in the LORD's lovingkindness and compassion that

never fails....

NEVER.

All of these things have been very real to me in the last couple months through circumstances in my own life and in the lives of people who are near and dear to me. I'm not sure I have one perfect word to sum up life as of late. It's been weird, puzzling, emotional, overhwelming, heartbreaking, challenging, faith testing, and....not what I expected. One thing is for certain, I have grown closer to the Lord Jesus through these trials, and for that I am deeply thankful. His ways are completely beyond me, but I have to trust that He knows what is best for me, even if it hurts to the very core of my heart and makes no sense to me right now. I know there is a plan and purpose for it all and I pray that God will be glorified in it.

On Monday my own personal struggles and heartaches became seemingly insignificant and trivial in my mind and I was faced with something much more difficult to understand. I was brought to my knees when I received a call from one of my best friends. A call that I was expecting to be full of joy and excitement and news that she was in labor. When I heard her voice I knew something was terribly wrong, but nothing could have prepared me for the weight of her words as she told me they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. There are no words sufficient to describe the sorrow I feel for my sweet friend and her husband, and oh how I wish I could bear the pain for them. Today I am feeling numb, and wishing that this was all just a horrible nightmare that we could wake up from. I don't understand it. I can't even begin to try. The only thing I can do is cling to God's promises and rest in the knowledge that He will tenderly care for Tony and Charity and He will pour out His immeasurable love, mercy and peace on them. Through their suffering, I am praying that their marriage will become stronger and they will draw even nearer to the Lord in the dark days ahead. The sorrow I feel as their friend does not even come close to what Tony and Charity are experiencing. I am so thankful that they have a glorious hope and are comforted by the God of all comfort. I look forward to meeting their beautiful baby girl some day in glory.

James 1:2-4 has taken on a whole new meaning and become so much more real for me recently. Charity and I memorized those verses together. I am trying to wrap my mind around what it really means to "consider it all joy". It's tough.

Oh Father, please give us all a peace that surpasses all comprehension.....

we need You so desperately.